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| Full Disclosure: I’m not sure what this picture has to do with the blog entry. Maybe the horse has on a Game Face? Maybe Sam and Elisabeth are wearing Game Faces while they fight the horse? Maybe we all have Game Faces on since this was taken at one of the MANY activities I had to drag them to since I’m a single mom this week? Whatever. It’s one of those. |
Just about six years ago, the twins were newborns, and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know my own name. This was when M also got an out-of-state project and started traveling for work. The company he worked for was not big on things like Quality of Personal Life or Family First. They were, however, big on Golden Handcuffs.
In other words: we were drowning in the busy-ness of having two colicky premies and a demanding two-year-old. At the same time, M’s company offered him a big bonus if he could tough it out on a project in Florida.
So, he needed to go and I needed to run the house and take care of the kids. Which scared me more than you could imagine. Like, in every way. I spent my days convinced the kids would all rebel (they often did), or all get sick (they did that too), or I would lose them. I spent my nights convinced a ninja army was lurking outside our windows.
To combat this fear of single parenting, I went into hyper overdrive. I put on my game face. I would not, could not rest until every meal was planned, every load of laundry was done, and every bed was made. If those ninjas would have ever snuck into my house, they would have found it very clean.
The problem was that I could not relax. I felt so much responsibility to take care of every detail, that I wore myself out.
Before nine in the morning I wore myself out.
I remember one morning distinctly. Our beloved Aunt Katie was coming over to help me. She was supposed to be there at eight. A couple minutes before she was to arrive, I noticed the twins’ bibs did not match each other. I ran upstairs as quickly as I could so I could to retrieve matching bibs for them. On the way down the steps, I stumbled and fell down a flight of steps. Lying at the foot of the stairs I cried about how I was losing my mind. Aunt Katie wouldn’t have cared if the twins were wearing gangster rap tshirts, let alone if their bibs matched.
All this to say that M has been out of town again this week (sorry, ninja army, you can go away…he’s coming back tonight!). I still don’t know how to relax. My game face is on, and I can’t seem to rest.
What baffles me is that SO MANY of my mom friends single-parent all the time. How do y’all do this? Do you wear yourself out? What are your secrets? How have you learned to handle your responsibilities without developing OCD?
