So, tomorrow’s my birthday, which always inspires rearview-mirror gazing. Or is that just me? Anyway, some thoughts:
Last year… I was a train zooming 100 miles per hour. I had book deadlines. I had middle of the night feedings. I had vacations to plan. I had playdates and lunch dates. I had plans.
This year…A train wreck? Perhaps. A definite end to those plans. A different life.
Last year…M and I went out to dinner with the Wards in search of watermelon margaritas. We ended up at The Cheesecake Factory for fried tapas and (of course) cheesecake. Last year I didn’t eat much meat. Actually, I hadn’t eaten red meat in almost 20 years. Fried macaroni and cheese? Yes, sorry to say.
This year… Fresh vegetables. Protein (including all types of meat). Salads. Gallons of water. Watermelon, yes. Margaritas? Very rarely. Nothing to tax my overburdened, failing immune system. Anything (including meat) that might help it.
Last year…I slept when I had to. I ran a lot…from room to room, on the treadmill, on our running trails. I took vitamins when I remembered. I took the occasional Tylenol for a headache. I told people I hated needles.
This year…There are dozens of people at the IV drug center close to downtown Houston (and far from our house). Some of them lay there for hours each day with powerful drugs pumping through their veins. They will all tell you that they feel lucky to have found a possible help for their CFS symptoms. Even when their veins blow or the drugs cause migraines or their veins are too bruised for any more, they thank God that they have hope. I’ve become one of those people.
Last year…We were talking to a realtor about buying a beach house. I believed hard work could cure anything. I wanted my friends happy, my closets clean, my photo albums filled, my email inbox cleared, my phone calls returned, and my kids well-adjusted.
This year…There may be lots of people who would find my closets atrocious, who are annoyed by my lag time in calling them back, who find my PTA volunteer hours to be skimpy, and my kids to have some issues. I think I have learned a bit more about what’s really important: Prayer. Love. Kindness. Health.
A crappy year? Maybe. But I have grown up.
I have learned a hard lesson. I have learned about grace.
Grace. I do not deserve our four healthy, beautiful (pretty much) well-adjusted kids. I do not deserve the courageous love of my husband. I do not deserve my caring doctor who works tirelessly to find a cure for these viruses. I do not deserve my friends and neighbors who help because they are kind. I do not deserve my family who puts their lives on hold to care for us. I do not deserve our gorgeous home or our lovely community.
Heck, I don’t even deserve this birthday.
But this year has shown me that I have all of these blessings because of the grace of God.
And that, my friends, is progress.
