…I want to remember how exhausted I am, how spacey, how sore, how sick…so that, one day, when I have my energy back, I will still take care of myself. I won’t drink four cups of coffee for energy. I won’t eat sugar for a quick pick-me-up. I won’t eat a huge dinner that clogs up my digestive system. I won’t go to bed late in the interest of finishing “just one more thing.” Instead more vitamins. More sleep. Move veggies.
…how scared I am. What if this doesn’t end? What if I never get better? What if this turns into something much worse?
…chronic sickness is like a sieve. It filters out the unimportant rather quickly. Suddenly I see my kids and husband for what they are…unique blessings I love more than anything. I want to remember this when I have my oomph back. When I feel, again, like organizing the pantry or staying up half the night to print birthday party invitations, I hope to think back to being sick. Right now, when I can’t do much, the only thing I want to do is lie on the living room floor surrounded by these five people. And just be part of them. Let that be enough for me…even when I’m well. Let me not lie there and imagine the world is passing my by and that I have to GET UP AND TAKE CHARGE! Let me not believe that a new contract, margaritas with bunches of acquaintances, or a pristine house will make me happier than my twins who love to sit on me. Or than looking at Catie, with her large, wise eyes. Or holding Nate, with his contagious laugh. Or M., with his secure, strong hold.
…other people are sick. They will need me to help them, just as people have helped me. Can I remember to do that, when the sparkle is back in my life? Or will those sick people be invisible…as I feel right now?
My sincere prayer is that they will not be. That through this I will understand how it feels to be a little hopeless…
…and very, very tired.