Lately when I look at Catie, I can see her little-girl self and her future teen self mixed together. Her smile is the same as when she was six months old. The look she used to get when she concentrated on writing her name is still the look she gets when reducing fractions. Her laugh will sound the same at fifty-years-old as it does now at ten-years-old.
When I look at this picture of myself in 1988, I see all my past and present selves combined. The childish shape of my face, the curly hair I still have today, the awkward preteen smile—it all forms a composite, a complete picture of who I was and was to become. Also, I see the deeper parts of myself: the trendy shirt to fit in, the knotted bandana of an almost-cool girl, the nervous look in my eye. I still see these personality quirks when I look in the mirror.
We are all this, all oak trees and acorns wrapped together into one person. No matter what transformations we go through, tiny bits of our selves never change. No matter how much each and every one of us would like to shed and forget parts of ourselves, they still stick to us.
Then what choice do we have but to make peace with our past and future selves? What choice do we have but to accept the curly hair, the fat thighs, the desperate need to belong, the tendency toward depression, the freckles, the overly sensitive nature? This is you. Nothing will really change you.
When Catie puts on a new dress that makes her look sixteen, I catch her imagining her future self. She squints and visualizes herself with red lipstick and layers of mascara. I can see her mind working—she imagines her sixteen-year-old self won’t have the same troubles. Her teenaged self will love schoolwork and never lose sleep over friend drama.
Not true, of course. So very much of who she is will stay the same forever. Realizing that lesson now, that God created her to be exactly the person He wants her to be, will save so much self-hatred. Learning to love herself now will teach her to treat her body and soul kindly. Learning to love herself will allow air and light into her life.
This is the lesson for you, and me, and our kids at age four and our kids at age forty: Love Yourself.
You are the exact right person, you always have been, and you always will be.
