Too Big, Too Little

A concept the Hergenrader parents are struggling with quite a bit.

Namely, the concept of independence.

How do we let go, letting our kids make their own decisions?

We learned the hard way what NOT to do on two accounts.

First, Catie and the Second Grade. She’s a happy, well-adjusted, bright kid. Until it comes to homework. Drama fest. I don’t WANT to do it. I CAN’T do it. It’s TOO HARD. I HATE IT.

Oh, the battles to get her to learn math. And reading. And so on.

All year M and I have been doing what we always do when one of our kids is struggling. We sat next to her. We offered gentle support. We held her hand and told her she COULD do it and that she WOULD do it. And she did. All year Catie has gotten As on her homework. She thrives when we sit next to her and walk her through every step. She hugs us. We bond. The household is peaceful.

Until the tests.

Turns out M and I are making As in Second Grade. But Catie? Her grades have slipped. It’s because of her test grades. She lacks the independence to really focus and tackle tests. This week was the end of the six weeks. It was a hard lesson for all of us to see that when it comes to homework, M and I have stepped up too much and Catie has not stepped up enough.

So, we vowed to quit holding our kids hands so much. Let them make their own decisions…and if they fail, then they’ll learn valuable lessons.

On to Sam and the story of too little. Specifically that Sam is too little. And he’s getting too little sleep.

Ever since the dreaded Monday Halloween, Sam had been short of sleep. We could see it in his dark-circled eyes. We could hear it in his whines. But he doesn’t like to nap. His teacher struggles with it at school. I was determined that he would sleep when he was ready. I would not lay next to him and repeatedly ask him to PLEASE NAP. He just needed a little independence to see how tired he was.

When I picked him up from school on Thursday, the teacher reported some very un-Sam behavior. A temper tantrum at school. “He’s not himself,” she said. “HE HAS TO NAP!” So, forget the independence. We got home, and I told him. “YOU MUST GO AND SLEEP NOW.”

He cried a bit, then said, “Thank you.”

AND THEN HE SLEPT FOR 17 HOURS. 17 HOURS!

STRAIGHT.

He fell asleep at 3:15. Elisabeth and Catie and their friends marched in and out of his room. We ate a family dinner. Nate cried in his ear. M woke him up around 8 PM and put on his pjs. AND HE KEPT SLEEPING.

Epic parent failure. How could we have let our four-year-old get THIS TIRED?

When will we ever master the delicate parenting balance of who is too big for independence and who is too little?

Maybe 2012.

Or maybe 2042.

Or never.